Yet again I find myself in a different place. Not within myself at all. I find that part of me standing outside of this house, waiting for that other world to come. What is wrong with me? Am I not happy or am I just that faker? The fake one that leads people into dreams and lets them linger there as she steals what is most meaningful to them. What in the world have I done?
It's a disease. It's my disease and it's getting worse. Every day I slip into it deeper. This stupid disease won't just let me go. I beg it to just leave me be. It will never happen. It. Will. Never. Happen.
Get it through that head of your's girl. You are following a lost path to another place that sucks worse than here. Stop walking, turn around, and go back. You were happy before so be happy again.
Jealous rage? Blind inquiries for facts that will never be known? Silly remarks...
I need to stop this all here and now. How? Well, I will just stop. Stop talking, stop laughing, stop that stupidity from actually making it to one's ears. There is no point in trying to make it to that someone when that someone is so far away.
Why did I have to fall? Why did I have to let go? Why did I fuck up one good thing for another good thing? Why cant I just stick with one good thing?
Gosh Ashley...you're so dumb sometimes..




(Continue onto next chapter of life. Includes previews to family, college, and unknown observations.)  

"Hey, I'll be in town this weekend. We can hang out since our anniversary is on Thursday."
"I can't."
"Why not?"
"I have a party on friday and a party on saturday that I am going to."
"Oh, well why can't I come?"
"Because, you won't know anyone there. A party is for meeting up with people you know or meeting someone new."
"Then I can meet someone new."
"We wont' be chilling the whole time if I do bring you."
"Okay? So you can what, go talk to other girls or something?"
"Why do you think I'm going to cheat on you."
"Because you won't let me go to a party with you ever. You want to have a lake party without me on the weekends when I am not in town over the summer. What am I supposed to get out of that?"
"You have to trust me. Besides, you can't keep chilling with my friends! You need to make your own friends, Ashley! YOU NEED YOUR OWN FRIENDS."
"You're my fucking boyfriend Shawn Mcgowan. You're supposed to be my greatest friend on this planet. I want to know that you are. Why can't you take me to places and actually be with me? Am I that ugly that you can't show me off in public?!"
"Oh my God Ashley...you're acting stupid. Go find friends and chill with them!"
"Tell me this Shawn. If I were to go out and get wasted off my ass. If I were to go out and do whatever the hell I wanted to do would you be okay with that? If I were to go off one night when you expected to hang out with me and I went to a party to just get wasted for no fricken reason and then I started flirting with tons of guys because I have no control of myself when I am wasted, would you be totally cool with that?"
"Yeah. As long as you don't cheat on me."
"You're a liar. You would get just as pissed if I went out every weekend and partied."
"It's because I have friends that are there Ash. If you actually went and chilled with your friends then you would understand."
"Understand what? That my friends are far more important than the one person I actually love?"
"You're being stupid again. I'm done talking about this."
"Whatever..."


That conversation looks pretty great, huh? It's a bundle of fun when I can't talk to him. I've thought about breaking up with him almost every day this month. Almost every fricken day. There are times when I can't imagine ever being without him but right now, looking at my life without him sounds as good as chocolate. It sounds fricken amazing. He has stressed me out so much with this exact same conversation. Im sick of holding it all back. I'm done being that girlfriend that keeps it all in.
I'm sick of it.
I'm really disgusted by this relationship right now. I can't believe how wrong it is all going. It was great when he wasn't wanting to party constantly but now that he doesn't go to school that is his top priority.
"I have to party tonight, the next night, and the next night after that."
Thank you Shawn. Thank you so much for putting some real hard effort into this. Thank you so much for being that number one boyfriend of the year. Honestly, he can't get back up there. Not this year. Nope, he threw his #1 boyfriend of the year reward right in the trash with the rest of his beer cans.
I don't think he knows how much I really cry about this stuff. When he isn't around, I keep it to myself. I will go into my room and sit there and think about my life and our relationship and  will cry about how awful it has been lately. How terrible it feels to go to school then have to go to one of his friend's houses because that is where he stayed the night before. He doesn't care how I feel and it is getting obvious.
No, fuck what I care about. Fuck it all. What matters to me does not matter to anyone else but me, or so he thinks. The thing with that though, is the simple fact that I want him to fricken care! I want him to care about what is happening to "us". I want him to actually care what happens to me at night before I go to bed like he used to.
I doubt he ever will again. He is going no where right now so why should he? Why should he give two cents to what matters in the world when he thinks that the whole world revolves all around him. He will never care, so why should I care? Why should I care if he goes off and drinks and gets wasted just to play beer pong with a punch of girls that have been checking him out the whole night? Why should I care when he goes to throw up in the bathroom and one of those girls runs her hand threw his hair and tells him he will be okay? Why should I care about him laying in bed passed out as the girls sit down by his feet? Why should I seriously care?
I'm supposed to trust him right? I'm supposed to be the perfect girlfriend who doesn't give a shit.
Fine. I wont give a shit. Consider it done. Go to your party and stuff but don't call me in the morning when you are stuck at someone's house. Don't text me, "I love you," in the morning after drinking with random people you don't know. Do NOT talk to me because I don't care anymore. I DONT CARE ANYMORE.
I want to yell it at him but I think I might cry because deep down I know I do. I can't do anything about it. I can't just stop loving him although sometimes I wish I could. I can't just tell him I need a break because I don't want to say that. I wanted this to be great. I wanted this to be the one relationship in my life that I can say actually happened the right way. I wanted this to be it. This to be all. I guess it's not all about what I want though. It's not about whether or not I cry anymore. It's about whether or not he gets drunk that evening. Or if he wants to chill with friends instead of me which is starting to become the popular trend. I expect him to be the boyfriend. I expect him to act as though he is in a relationship.
I expect him to care.
Then again, that is too much to expect.
It is so hard to care for someone these days. That much is made clear in the way he is.
"Scratch my back."
"I'm tired."
"I'm going to his house instead."
"I don't want to go to your house. I just want to go home."
"I am busy. I can't talk with you."
"I'll call you in a few." (No call)

It's a trend. It's the way to be. It's the new hip thing.
It's not the way I am.
I need to breath. I need to think. I need to be alone for a few days. I seriously can't do this anymore. My mind is so pulled apart right now that I can hardly tell direction. I am getting pissed off easier. I am crying a lot easier. I am becoming that woman that no one wants to see. I am becoming a weak person that sucks at pretty much everything. I am no longer that Ashley that I was when I first moved here. Nope, now I am in that unmistakable area of crazy land. I am in a place where I never expected to be in one million years.
I hate the fact that I cannot do this anymore without going through something that will rip me to bits and pieces.
I used to be amazing at relationships. Never get too attached. Get a fair amount of distance and everything will be just fine. Get them away from what is close to you and you will not get hurt. Don't let them have your heart. DONT LET THEM HAVE YOUR HEART. Just don't. Even if you kind of want to. Don't.
Then I did. I let him have my heart. I let him get close. I got attached.
Now I'm stuck in a cycle. It's like being washed and dried and worn again. Most people know what that feels like and it sucks. It sucks to be here. It sucks to be in this thing.
I want to get away. I need to go to Canada or to camp. I need these things to come quickly so I can actually get through this next year.
I'm on the verge. I am on the edge and I am swaying. Sooner or later I will snap. I will fall and it won't be great. I will become a person I have never known before. I will become that Ashley that does not trust AT ALL. I will become the Ashley that hates everything. I will become that Ashley that just wants to be left alone in the dark of her room as life outside of her window passes by.
I'm not supposed to be that way. I'm never supposed to be that way.

Why am I this way?